Two elderly men went fishing. They put in their boat, go to the middle of the lake and tie off to a tree sticking out of the water. There is a bridge nearby that goes all the way across the lake. Once in a while, they can see a car going across the bridge. Soon, a funeral pro session start to cross the bridge. One of the fishermen stands up, puts his cap over his heart. After the the funeral pro session goes by, he seats down, and his fishing buddy says “that was real nice of you to stand up and show your respect”. He replies, “it’s the least I could do, I was married to her for 50 years “

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they never meet.

A Catholic priest, Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. So one thing led to another and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert to their religion. Seven days later they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and various bandages on his body and limbs went first.

Well, he said: I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my Holy water and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb.

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. He said, I went out and found me a bear and then I began to read to the bear from the Bible. But the bear came after me. We wrestled down a hill until we came t a creek. So, I quickly dunked him and Baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and Reverend both look down at the Rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it....circumcision may not have been the best way to start...."

Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different.The last few years I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

A super-engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, on arrival he's told his place there is not quite ready and is asked to wait in hell until it is ready. He reluctantly agrees. The next day GOD tells the devil to let him go but the devil refuses, stating that the engineer has the a/c and water coolers working. GOD tells the devil he'll sue, at which point the devil asks, "where are you gonna get an attorney?"

I finally found a hearing aid that works perfectly. I can hear like never before. I Love it. Really well tell us what kind it is! Quarter to 2:00! 😂💕

A gentleman from Communist Russia named Rudolph was having an argument one day with his wife about the nature of the precipitation that was falling. She was convinced it was sleet. He on the other hand was certain the droppings from the sky was rain. Finally in a convincing and demonstrative voice, he said, “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

My 36 year old said, I’ve lived in six decades: 1980,1990, 2000, 2010, 2020 and March!

What kind of dog did Dracula have? A bloodhound

What's a frog's favorite drink? Croak a Cola

An elderly woman took her 85 year old husband to see the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup the doctor told the wife that for a man of his age everything was normal. But, the doctor said "your husband told me one thing that concerned me. He said at night when he went to the bathroom that God turned on the light in the bathroom and then turned it off as he was leaving." The wife replied, "oh my goodness, he is peeing in the refrigerator again,"

I am going south for the winter....actually......some parts of me are headed there already! This is a quote from that other MAXINE

Two little boys were at a wedding when of them leaned over to the other and asked, “How many wives can a man have?”
His friend answered, “Sixteen.....four beter,four worse,four richer, and four poorer.”

Home Schooling Question: Does having your kids fix you a mixed cocktail properly count as a Chemistry Lesson? Sorry...new to this Home Schooling thing.

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: "Put it on my bill."

What is a football game worth? One Dollar Why, it only has four quarters.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Knock knock Who’s there? Nobel. That’s why I knocked.

How to stop a church gossip: Mildred, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other peoples business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake however when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there "Would Know What He Was Doing!" Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He did not explain, defend or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house....Walked home and left it there all night. You gotta love Frank!!!

What makes music on your head? A hairband.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” The King protested, “But I paid a million dinars for it! Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!" "Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome." The man asks, “what can I do for it”? Dr. replies that I must avoid any and all references to Tom Jones for a full month, then you just might be healed, but I repeat, you MUST avoid any reference to Tom Jones. The man returns a month later, completely healed. And asks the Dr if this is common. The Dr. replied, “It’s Not Unusual!”

A worried Dad, busy running errands during the Coronavirus outbreak on his last stop before returning home to be with family with food & toilet paper, stopped at the liquor store. He grabbed a case of beer & threw it in the back seat & it hit his son. Not to worry, IT Was LITE BEER 🍺

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

I ran out of toilet paper. Instead I used a lettuce leaf. It was the tip of the iceberg.