IT OPENS IN THE BACK

by Dave Friant

It’s an expression that characterizes some of our youthful heyday activities. When boomers were still young. Seemed innocent enough. Simply descriptive.

It Opens in the Back.

Two memories come to mind for me that with a dose of actuality paints the picture of the phrase.

The first took place in the early 1960’s most every Friday night during the Fall. It involved a curious apparatus on Johnny Baglio’s Ford Country Squire station wagon; the light blue one with the fake wood decorative touch on both sides that belonged to his old man. Very similar to the green one driven by Chevy Chase in the National Lampoon’s Vacation movie. Constructed on the back of second row seating was a makeshift pullout contraption suitable for tailgate grilling. While operational, it barely passed anyone’s rule of creative assembly and was contrary to every Smokey The Bear fire prevention warning in his arsenal. Hotdogs and burgers would be haphazardly prepared but seemed scrumptious for those huddled around the “in group” prior to high school football games.

The second was the secretive back door entrance instructions for high-stakes poker game attendees at Freddie’s Eats. While up for discussion regarding legality, participation in such deviations from sound moral standards by high schoolers was frowned upon. Such involvement was characterized as Devil-endorsed; variations from behavior that had been taught by reasonably strict parents whose reputations were on the line. We played with quarters. No booze. An absence of fisticuffs initiated by the loser(s). Much ado about nothing.

It Opens in the Back for the last few decades has additionally become a voiced directive within medical communities. Still descriptive. Seemingly innocent enough. It’s shared as part of their duties by nursing staff when advising new patients on the ins and outs of the dreaded gown-donning process. Applicable to the younger portion of the population as well as to aging boomers attempting to manage a health issue(s). From thorough body exams to an out-patient procedure or in-patient extended hospital stay, getting into the garb is first on the to-do list.

The declothing to your undies or total nekkid-ness request to slip on the knee-high greenish or blueish gown kicks off the assignment. We’ve all heard the “I’ll be right outside the door” or “Just give me a shout when you’re finished” melodious voices many times. The one-size-fits-all cotton outfits that for modesty purposes open in the back and cover one’s frontal view assets (or liabilities as the case may be). Part two of the duties involves the ticklish maneuvering of the gown to allow for tying in the back. It’s worthy of consideration for a Beat the Clock game show stunt. “Okay Mr. Friant you’ve got 3 minutes to peel off your clothes (hopefully loose-fitting per earlier phone instruction), fold them up nicely, slip into the furnished gown, and securely tie it just above your buttocks.”

Portions of the instructions have always remained unclear and demand clarification. Does “tie in the back” require a simple shoelace knot? Square knot? Why allow for a continuing number of “fannie funnies” associated with the untying follies for nurses and doctors? Is it not true that a higher percentage of work to be done occurs on the belly side?

I’ve been told on good authority that gowns are washed/dried after use and tossed back into the mix for partial key areas cover-up roles. Not sure I desire the supposed comfort of a previously worn garment from Mrs. Gilroy who was suffering from a leaking gall bladder concern. Or from “Woody” Hayworth whose night before colonoscopy instructions were not fully followed.

Most of us have been through the drill many times. I suppose just paranoia on my part in pointing out the oddities associated with that special costume. All things considered, the advantages of being body checked with that special blue light (thanks Beth from Southlake Dermatology) or put back into a rhythmic pattern of heart beats (thanks Dr. “M” from Heartplace) far outweigh any concern about an unalluring gown.