TAT AIN'T RIGHT

by J Rick Brown

The other day I read that many older adults are getting tattoos. Some stated they got one because it was on their “bucket list” and others said their tattoos were to remember special people or expressed who they were.

I mentioned the article to My Bride, and then asked, “What would you think about me getting a tattoo?”

My Bride started laughing, and at first, I thought it was something she was watching on TV, then I realized the TV was not on.

“Why would you get a tattoo?” She managed to ask between fits of laughter.

“It could express who I really am,” I suggested.

“What would it say, ‘Born to be Mild,’ or, I’ve got it, how about ‘Wide Load?’ or ‘I Brake for Doughnuts?’” she asked, wiping tears from her eyes.

Instead of humor I was now sensing no small degree of scorn in her laughter.

“Many people have the name of the person they love tattooed on them. We could both do that,” I suggested, attempting to appeal to My Bride’s romantic side.

“We could do that, but don’t you think I’m too old to have ‘Brad Pitt’ tattooed above my heart?” she managed to blurt out amid the derisive fits of laughter. “Besides, tattoos are so . . .”

I knew where this was going, so before she could finish, I interrupted her with, “I’ll have you know tattoos are now referred to as body art.

“Make sure they stretch your canvas -- you know how much you sag,” was My Bride’s parting shot as she scurried toward the bathroom, a result of all that laughter creating pressure on her bladder.

Undaunted, I began to research tattoos. I found out that tattooing is indeed considered part of body art, which also includes body piercing. What I found was alarming.

The first thing I investigated was that age old question, “Is this going to hurt?” and if so, “How much?” I was not interested in getting an opinion from the guy holding the needle, who has the history of mankind inked over his entire body and refers to customers as “Dude.”

No, I wanted to know what the people on the other end of the needle had to say. One article quoted some as saying it was like a “hot scratch,” while others merely described it as “annoying.”

It was the caveat that “Of course people have different pain thresholds” that got my attention. I have a very high pain threshold provided it is someone else’s pain we are talking about. When I have a medical problem and I am asked to rate the pain on a scale from one to ten, I reply, “An eleven. Squared.”

Nor did the mention of “people crying from the intense pain and passing out” go unnoticed. Nothing will get your Man Card pulled quicker than weeping profusely and passing out while getting a tattoo. Especially if it is at the mere sight of the needle.

And how do you pick a tattoo parlor? I saw an ad that said, “Discount tattoos - Buy one, get one free.” What are they, used or seconds? In his article 5 Signs You Are in the Wrong Tattoo Shop, the author suggests that “If it smells bad, there are animals present, the employees are dirty, the bathroom is foul, and the shop is out of ink” you might have the wrong tattoo shop. Which means as long as none of those indicators are present, you have a good tattoo shop.

This is not particularly high standard folks.

Then there are the health risks from getting a tattoo. They include infection from dirty needles, allergies to various ink pigments and granulomas. I thought the latter was a breakfast cereal, but it turns out it refers to unwanted scarring or small bumps which form around material that the body perceives as foreign. I have so many of these on my body now I never have to use sandpaper, I just rub the wood across my arm.

But my biggest concern is what happens as you age? The Columbia Gem of the Ocean sinks and becomes a submarine. The voluptuous mermaid on your arm morphs into a wrinkled guppy. And that tattoo that professes your never-ending love for Michelle now says you love Mike. I have so much body hair (except for my head) any tattoo would ultimately look like a chia pet.

You can have a tattoo removed by laser, but this can result in more pain. (See discussion above for my thoughts on this).

Now I grant you, there would be some advantages to certain tattoos for us older folk. Perhaps “Please Return to ______” with your address in the blank. Or “This End Up” if you have to take shots.

I just don’t see it for me. No, I just don’t see it.

I wonder if it hurts to get your nose pierced?